All My Tomorrows
by chocolatequeen
Summary: Postfinale, Archer's thoughts as he weaves in and out of consciousness. AT friendly


Title: All My Tomorrows Author: Chocolatequeen Spoilers: Zero Hour Summary: Warum hat Jonathan Angst?  
  
The first thing I'm aware of when I wake up is the painful throbbing in my head. Something tells me I didn't quite make it off the weapon in time, but I don't know anything beyond that. The second thing I realize is that wherever I am, it's not Enterprise. It's cold and dark... and people are speaking German. This is not happening to me, it has got to be a dream.  
  
When I wake for the second time, I'm a little more clear-headed. I still hear German spoken around me though, and for the first time since high school, I wish I'd paid more attention in Frau Schmalambergers class. How does it work? You use haben and add ge to the stem of the verb... Oy. Thinking about this is going to make my head hurt again.  
  
Then a nurse comes over and tells me softly that I should sleep. I can still recognize that phrase... schlafen, is there any other word in German that sounds so soft? I willingly do her bidding, despite the fact that I still haven't figured out where I am. I'll think about it tomorrow.  
  
This time, there are others around me, they look like officers. They look like SS officers. Faint recollections of things I've heard about the timeline come to me, and I stop wondering where I am and start questioning when I am. Another German phrase comes to me: Ich habe Angst. I am afraid.  
  
I want to speak, to tell these people who I am, but something stops me. If my suspicions are correct, I'm not with the most sympathetic crowd. Besides, even if they wanted to help me there's no way they could. They can't control the timeline anymore than I can. It's possible that I might be stuck here...  
  
My head is starting to hurt again, this is too much for me. I'll think about it tomorrow.  
  
Something new occurred to me today. I've been consoling myself with the thought that if I'm with people speaking an earth language, than the mission must have been a success. But if I did in fact travel back in time, that's not necessarily true. There's no way for me to know if the weapon is still a threat in my timeline, or if Earth even exists anymore.  
  
I'm trying to ignore the hole growing in the pit of my stomach, but it won't be pushed aside. I can feel the roiling, and I turn over the side of my cot just in time to heave my meager lunch onto the ground. Earth might be gone, and I'm stuck in the 20th century. There are no words for this... I'll have to think about it tomorrow.  
  
I've decided to assume the mission succeeded, it causes too much mental pain to think otherwise. The mission succeeded, and Earth was saved. Shran likely is telling anyone who will listen how much we owe him, and he's right. If it wasn't for his timely intervention, we never would have made it to the weapon, much less destroyed it.  
  
Did Malcolm and Trip get back to the Aquatic ship with the MACO's? I know he wanted to be the one to stay, but if he had, he would be stuck here instead of me. This is why I insisted on doing it myself.  
  
I suppose in a way I was making penance for all the things I've been forced to do this year. So many times I have had to cross lines that I never would have come close to before, all for the sake of humanity. Perhaps this was the best way for me, I never would have felt comfortable in my own skin anyway. Ah, this is too much. I'll have to think about it tomorrow.  
  
I wonder if T'Pol and Trip managed to take out the spheres. So much of our mission hinged not only on stopping the weapon, but on stopping the Expanse from growing and changing, and taking over other normal space. I know that Daniels said the Federation fights an epic battle to stop the sphere builders, but I'd like to think we could have made that unnecessary.  
  
A brief wave of remorse sweeps through me when I think about the Federation. I saw what he showed me, and I could see where it was going, despite the fact that I denied the chord it struck in me. If he's right and that won't happen without me there...  
  
Then again, I'm relatively certain this was all his doing in the first place. It wouldn't be the first time he tried to save me by taking me to a different time, and had it backfire stupendously. And speaking of Daniels, why isn't he here, trying to pull me out of this? If I'm so important to the course of history, shouldn't he be getting together a rescue mission or something?  
  
Time lines, weapons, history changing, living in history... I can feel sleep coming over me again as all the thoughts converge in my mind. I want to fight it, I want to find a way out of this, but the need for rest is too strong. My last thought before I drift off is that I'll think about it tomorrow.  
  
It must have been quite a shock to my crew when they got to the rendezvous point and I wasn't there. I have complete faith in T'Pol's ability to get my ship back to Earth, I wouldn't have made her my first officer if I didn't. I wonder if she realizes that I put her in command because she understands the heart of our mission better than anyone—our true mission that is, not the one we've been on for the last year.  
  
She knows what it's like to explore strange new worlds. She has the protocols in place for seeking out new life and new civilizations. She can provide the crew with the courage to fulfill our calling, to bring Earth to other worlds and other worlds to Earth.  
  
Perhaps, now that I'm gone, she will be the one to form the building blocks for the Federation. She was certainly there for all the important moments that would have led to the four races I saw on that dais being willing to speak to each other. She has the diplomatic skills necessary to get them to talk to one another, to bring their grievances out in the open and deal with them once and for all. Simply put, it's a role she was born for.  
  
But I wonder if she'll be willing to take on that role, now that I'm not there. I'm not deluding myself into thinking that I mean anything more to her than a captain, but I do understand her a little. She is more likely to withdraw to Vulcan than to remain a part of interstellar politics. Someone should tell her that the galaxy needs her... I just wish it could have been me.  
  
There are a lot of things I wish I could have done. I should have told Hoshi how proud I am of her. She's changed so much since we first met. Then, she was a scared girl who was smarter than her age. She had all the skills needed in a communications officer and none of the experience. That was why I asked her to remain in Brazil until Enterprise was ready to leave space dock, I hoped she would develop the strength that she would need. For a while, I wasn't sure she had, but our last time together showed me how wrong she was. She did everything you could expect of a Starfleet officer who'd been taken captive. She didn't willingly give the reptilians anything... and yet she still blamed herself. I wish I had told her how special she was...  
  
If we managed to destroy the weapon, I was going to make sure I never let another year go by without seeing the sunset over the Bay. I won't be able to keep that promise now. I may be on Earth, but I can't see the Germans handing me over to the Americans just because my dying wish is to see the Golden Gate Bridge again.  
  
I should have repaired my friendship with Trip. We've had plenty of ups and downs in the last year, and I know that when I left things weren't where they used to be. If I'd known I'd never see him again, I would have fixed things, at least on my end.  
  
I've had plenty of time while laying here, drifting in and out of consciousness, to think about what I'd say to each and every one of my crew, if I only had the chance. For some it's just a sentence, for others I have a whole speech prepared. I know I'll never get to use them, but it helps me pass the time and it keeps me sane, thinking about the men and women who had become my friends.  
  
But I can't think of what to say to T'Pol. There is so much that went unsaid between us, that is seems almost sacrilegious to think about changing that now, just because I know I'll never have a chance to do it in real life. Some things I think are just better left unsaid.  
  
Or maybe what I'm really afraid of; more than the Nazis or the reptilians or the sphere builders; is the possibility that being faced with the reality of my feelings for her might destroy the last hold I have on peace. Because I know that if I admit the truth, the pain and the fear surrounding all those other things will be a drop in the bucket compared to how I'll feel about never getting to tell her.  
  
However, being flat on your back somewhere on the African front for weeks gives you time to think. Thoughts of her have come to me so often, and I can't deny the truth anymore, despite what letting it in might do to me.  
  
If I close my eyes, I can almost picture the way she arches one eyebrow at me when I'm being illogical. I know I'm being illogical now, denying what I know is true, thinking that by doing so I'm also denying the power it has over me. The fact is, by denying it I'm giving it the power I'm trying to hold onto. The longer I go on like this, the stronger a hold it will have over me.  
  
I still can't bring myself to say it out loud though, or even to say it to myself. Instead, I concentrate on remembering everything about her; her voice, her dry sense of humor, the way her emotions flare at times (even though she says she doesn't have any). There is not one thing about her that I do not remember, and in so remembering, love.  
  
I think I just admitted it, indirectly, but I refuse to let it be true. This is enough for today; I'll think about it tomorrow. 


End file.
